You Are Good: Why Black Women Deserve More Than the Back Row

I have been contemplating the idea of charity, charities, and giving, and how it applies to Black women specifically.

We are givers. We give everything we have to everyone. We carry the idea of giving in the term Strong Black Woman. What’s not included is receiving or reciprocating. It’s all about enduring. Our strength is often measured by how much we can take without breaking.

This way of being creates a split between who we are and what we present to the world.

We want to seem generous, and we are. But how much of that is our truth, and how much is our conditioning? How much of it stems from the legacy of enslavement?

I took a walk through my own story. I looked at all the places where I gave my time, talents, and money. I started with every chicken dinner and silent auction. Sitting with strangers, making small talk, feeling like I was doing my part. Watching people get awards and give speeches. This was the culture—giving back and getting ahead.

Living a life of constant output leaves us overwhelmed, exhausted, and broken. Our focus is always outward. That’s how we were raised. We were taught to do everything for the community.

I understand why. Unity meant safety. It kept families together. It helped build our Black nation. But some of us never learned how to build ourselves.

We were taught that to be good, we had to do good. But what’s missing from that message is the importance of being good to ourselves.

I was struck by Audra McDonald’s performance at the Tony Awards. I’ve watched it ten times. That one song captured the stories of generations of Black women.

Her character, Gypsy Rose, sang:

“What did I do? What did it get me?
Scrapbooks with me in the background.
Gave ’em love and what did it get you?
One quick look as each of them’s leaving you.
They take bows, and you’re batting zero.
I had a dream. I dreamed it for you.”

That song took my breath away.

We all do it. Whether it’s a charity, a church, a partner, or a job, we take our dreams and plant them in someone else’s garden. We tell ourselves it’s the right thing to do. Then one day we look back and see the scrapbook—and we’re in the background.

Why don’t we plant in our own gardens? Because we were raised with a charity mindset. A belief that giving is more important than receiving. This belief shapes everything we do. But it affects us the most when we are tired and when we are broke.

Let’s start with money.

Everyone wants it. It feels good to have. But the charity mindset shows up when it’s time to charge our worth. How many times has someone asked to pick your brain over lunch, and you said yes? Their idea sounded promising, and you wanted to support them. That idea turned into something profitable for them. You may have received a thank you.

What if you had charged a consulting fee? What if you had asked for equity? You might be retired on a beach by now.

Now let’s talk about being tired.

Picture being at work. Bob asks for your input again. You stay late and solve the problem. You’re told you’re a valuable team player. But Bob gets the bonus. Bob gets the promotion.

What did I do? What did it get me?

This is how we were raised. Conditioned to believe our value is in what we do, not in who we are. That’s why you feel like you have to keep proving yourself. Work harder. Shine brighter. Be perfect. Endure.

They take a bow. You’re left with nothing.

People say helping others feels good. And it does. But so does booking a first-class flight to see Beyoncé in Paris. With no guilt. No sense of obligation.

I asked my community what success feels like. The responses were beautiful. But they all had one thing in common—doing for others. Their to-do lists were for everyone else.

Of course we help others. That’s who we are. But we are part of the equation too. We deserve to be served, not just to serve. We deserve what we desire.

We don’t have to live with a charity mindset.

Giving without receiving leads to burnout. There is no flow, no exchange. Nothing can grow in that imbalance.

Moving from charity to sacred commerce creates space for mutual benefit.

Sacred commerce refers to conducting business with love, respect, and a sense of purpose. Profit becomes a result of alignment, not a goal. It’s not about taking. It’s about receiving what you’ve earned—your time, your energy, your talent.

What you do is a reflection of who you are.

And you, my sister, are good.

by Monica Wisdom.

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